When Positive Thinking is Used to Shame Illness

BY KAI ELLIOT

If you would’ve told me, ten years ago, that I would have my own website and I’d be writing about Illness Positivity(tm) for the spiritual field – I would have thought you were nuts!

When I took my first yoga class, eighteen years ago, I would’ve told you you were nuts – if you’d have suggested that I’d soon be a yoga instructor myself. And if you would’ve told me in high school that I’d be a flight attendant, traveling the US and abroad – I’d have jumped for joy.

I never thought I’d lose it all.

But then, I did.

Getting sick and becoming disabled was hard. The thing that they don’t tell you about Illness – is the grief that will come, when you lose your friends, your spouse, your social life, your home, and your financial independence. When this happened to me, I relied up on my personal spiritual practices, such as going to drum circles, chanting, and churches like Unity. They were my reprieve and a soft spot to land.

A few years later though, my condition became worse. I’d lost my ability to sit, walk, or be upright for any length of time. I became bedridden, 22 hours a day; and four years later, here I am – still in bed.

You could say I lost everything. And you would think that this would be the worst of it – but it wasn’t.

I had always hidden my original disability well. I didn’t feel like there was any reason to disclose my personal medical issues to others. But when I became bedridden, and after it lasted two or three months, I realized I could no longer hide my disability. I had to go public.

It was then, shockingly I’d discover, the stigma in the new age spirituality field, that comes from having an illness.

In hindsight, those first few months of being bedridden, later became ironic to me. Even though I was confined to bed 22 hours per day, I hid it. I’d make it out once a month, and the spiritual people around me complimented me during this time, on how positive I was, and my good energy.

When I finally told them about my illness though, these same people transformed.

Soon, all I heard were negative remarks about my so-called “negative mindset,” and the “defective body” that I supposedly needed to affirm-inate into submission. Instead of focusing on what was “right” about me – these spiritual people seemed determined to tell me about the “wrongness” in my Being – over, and over, and over again.

I’d unwittingly discovered, what is called New Age Illness Shaming(tm)(NAIS). NAIS is when people in the spiritual field shame others, because they’re not experiencing the health that the onlooker values as the ‘right’ way to exist in this world. Personally, I don’t believe that there is a ‘right’ way to exist in this world. I believe in love and that we are all innately perfect and valuable as we are now, up to and including Illnesses, Disabilities, and Conditions (IDC).

To put this in perspective, I don’t feel skinny women are the “only” valuable women, and I don’t feel healthy people are the ‘only’ valuable people. We are all ‘right’ and we are all valuable.

New Age Illness Shaming is painful. In response to it, I started writing openly about how NAIS affected me. Surprisingly, there were thousands of other people out there, experiencing NAIS; just like me. They shared their stories with me, of people who had been dumped by all their spiritual friends when they got cancer. I was sent screen shots of NAIS in progress. People all over the country and all over the world wrote to me exclaiming, “The same thing happened to me!!!”

The one common thread in all of these stories, was that the people who criticized them, seemed to have a strong belief in LoA being able to change any possible circumstance in the whole Universe. In addition, they thought that the person with the IDC should convert and believe as they do, because according to them, the LoA was the ‘right’ spiritual answer to Illness.

But I wonder, in addition to the LoA, what other spiritual or religious beliefs about IDCs might be present in the spiritual field? Further, are these other spiritual beliefs necessarily ‘inferior’ to the LoA?

You are probably thinking, ‘So what does this have to do with me?’

If you are a healer, teacher, coach, or in any leadership position in the spiritual field, you will inevitably deal with people who have an IDC.

As professional healers, shouldn’t we understand that our clients have different spiritual beliefs than we do? Shouldn’t we respect their free will to choose their own religion?

For the second half of this article, I’ve delved into the line of thought that tells us that the LoA is the only ‘right’ way to think spiritually. We’ll delve into some interesting questions about religious tolerance, and the spiritual ‘top of the heap’ belief – The Law of Attraction.

You don’t have to think as I do, but I do believe these questions are worth asking ourselves. In fact, this viewpoint could revolutionize your relationships, community, client work, and even how you think of your own Body. So, let’s talk about this!

Our common culture of religious freedom & the role of religious tolerance in it’s success

Religious freedom is upheld as a worthy value in our society. Our right to choose our own religion in our workplace, our home, and at our doctor’s office or hospital, is seen as fundamental to the very fabric of democracy and freedom. In fact, here in the US, religious freedom is in the first amendment of the Constitution.

It’s probably a fact, although I’m no statistician, that most of us came to the Unity, New Thought, and metaphysical new age communities, because we were tired of being told how or what to believe spiritually by other people. Chances are, we were tired of people trying to ‘save’ us.

People have sought out the freedom of the new age community, to explore their own spirituality, free of dogma and exterior requirements of other, more traditional religious communities. We’ve seen in the new age spiritual field, an incredibly accepting, and tolerant spiritual community, sparkle in it’s diversity.

Unity churches themselves, with their ‘Coexist’ bumper stickers, and the spiritual field itself, as I’ve understood it these last 18 years, seemed to uphold the shared value of having respect for differing religious paths.

After all, we have Buddhists, Christians, Native Americans, pagans, witches, Catholics, atheists, and Hindu beliefs among many others represented in our community. We have people who subscribe to religions that are monotheistic, polytheistic, and that believe in duality, or non duality, all represented among us. Diversity has been our strength, and all of these beliefs are upheld as equally valid and right in their own way.

In fact, we’ve adapted a lot of traditions from these belief systems into our own, new age communities. It’s been a beautiful thing to behold! No one really comments on whether we are “wrong” in studying zen for instance, or in going on a month long retreat, because in my experience, we are free of dogma in the new age spirituality field. In my opinion, the lack of religious dogma is exactly what makes our community so attractive. Upon reflection, we can see that respect for others’ beliefs is what has allowed our community to be so successful, and so high vibe in the first place.

Yet, when it comes to the Law of Attraction as it is practiced today, we seem to have stumbled upon new age spirituality’s very own fundamentalism.

Instead of our community being a smorgasbord of possible (and equally valid) spiritual beliefs to explore – there is now it seems, a metaphorical “top” of the spiritual pile; a spiritual “pecking order,” if you will. The Law of Attraction has become the theology and the doctrine that supersedes all else in our community. Rather than something we hear about and may be curious to learn, LoA is now preached to us, everywhere we go.

Whether its our corner yoga center, the grocery co-op, whole foods, or our meditation circle – most of us can attest to the fact that the people there will likely tell us exactly what we “must” believe for our “mindset.” If we tell a story of adversity, we are told how, ‘what we think about comes about.’ This series of events has become so predictable, that one could lay money on it’s sequence.

It seems that to attain membership in our spiritual club, we now have the requisite obligation of adhering to and agreeing with the LoA.

What troubles me about this new development, is the lack of religious respect present. It is known that proclaiming ones’ religious or spiritual beliefs as the ‘only’ ‘right’ way to live causes problems at dinner parties; as well as on the larger world stage. After all, religious intolerance spawned the Crusades, and the Salem Witch Trials.

On a smaller scale, I have to wonder, is the Law of Attraction spawning this same religious zealotry? Convert – or else?

People who experience adversity in our communities, such as illness, disability, or financial problems, have witnessed the Law of Attraction’s dogma spawn division, judgment, and negativity towards them. It is this spirit of religious intolerance, and the insistence upon the LoA being “right,” and the person experiencing adversity as being “wrong,” that is worrisome to me. It seems we may have lost some of the religious respect touted in our now infamous Coexist bumper stickers.

Have we ceased to be a happy soup of coexisting beliefs, and now are only one type of person – the person who zealously advocates the LoA as the “only” right way?

Since 2006, when the movie, “The Secret,” came out – LoA fundamentalism has steadily been growing. While I find much truth in the LoA, what I’m seeing in our communities all over the world, is the division and the damage, that having a so-called, “superior” doctrine is doing to the ‘least’ among us.

We no longer love one another as our default setting – we instead look for what ‘fault’ a person has, that has ’caused’ their adversity. Instead of helping our friends and community members or clients, we simply throw our hands in the air and proclaim that their negative thoughts have caused their problem. Conveniently, we don’t have to help with that.

Even more worrisome, is that just like the Christian doctrine of ‘saving’ people, it seems that in our community, we are not content to sit back anymore and let people come to their own spiritual conclusions. In the last decade, we’ve witnessed the rise of the need and dare I say the compulsion – to proselytize the LoA. LoA has become, the one doctrine that solves all ills.

Is the Law of Attraction compassionate?

In theory, the LoA may indeed be inspirational, but the way I’m seeing LoA practiced in reality, isn’t okay. People are ousted from communities when they get sick, have an accident, experience cancer, or the death of a loved one. People are being socially shunned, and basically banished for experiencing adverse life events, because of course, they are now considered “low vibe” if something bad has happened.

When taken to extreme, LoA becomes very ugly indeed, because of it’s ability to rationalize even the most heinous of human circumstances as the victim’s fault. I’ve seen babies blamed for ‘attracting’ their diabetes by famous LoA speakers. I’ve seen unsolicited messages from coaches telling people with cancer, that cancer is their fault. I’ve seen sexual assault and/or rape rationalized as the victim’s ‘fault’ because they were a “vibratory match” to being assaulted. I’ve seen people with disabilities or illness, blamed for causing their illness with their ‘negative’ mind. In this view of LoA, even Nazi Germany could be rationalized as the Jewish people “attracting” their demise.

LoA, when taken to this extreme, tells you – don’t waste your time feeling bad for or comforting others – after all – they caused it themselves. One has to wonder, is LoA really a theory that is high vibratory? Should we advocate blame and shame of others in our communities, or should we advocate compassion? If asked this question directly, most in our community would say that we advocate compassion. However, I can’t help but notice that the LoA as it is being practiced in our communities is the opposite of compassionate. You see, almost any genocide and the worst atrocities of mankind can be rationalized by the LoA.

Putting out shame and blame onto others, only serves to serve us the same blame and shame when a life circumstance invariably happens to us later. This doesn’t help us heal, it harm us.

Ethics and the Law of Attraction

I believe, if any spiritual ideology in practice is causing this much damage, then it should be abolished or amended; yet I’m not seeing this happen. Instead, I’m seeing practitioners double down on their LoA theology, steely clinging to their beliefs and joining forces with other practitioners and speakers, to “prove” their ultimate righteousness.

This quandary of the Law of Attraction, makes me think of that age old question: Do the ends justify the means? Does sticking to our LoA guns so to speak, justify the means of blame, shame, and judgment of others?

When the LoA involves heaping blame onto cancer patients, people with disabilities, and babies, I vote NO. The LoA as we are practicing it today, is not okay, it is not just, and it is not ‘high vibe.’

People within the community often leave or are gravely disheartened, when they experience some difficulty in their lives, and instead of support from their spiritual community, they are met with judgment. The LoA in practice, doesn’t feel like caring, it feels like condemnation.

I think it’s especially important to do our own inner work with these quandaries of the LoA, if we are healers, teachers, coaches, or in any other type of leadership position in the spiritual field. Healing, teaching, trust, and leadership comes from our ability to hold space safely for others. As practitioners, we must be able to to uphold each and every spiritual belief in our hands, as valid, equally, respectfully, and compassionately; in order to effectively teach and keep thriving, our diverse, lovely, new age communities.

Anyone can judge, blame, and shame others. What is truly admirable – is compassion.

Kai Elliot is the author of the upcoming book and certification course: Illness Positive Healing – A guidebook for healers, teachers, coaches, & spiritual practitioners. Kai is an Illness Positivity ™ expert, writer, speaker, and teacher; who finds her home in the red rocks of Arizona. You can find more of Kai’s writing on www.kaielliot.com.