How two spiritual but not religious types made friends with some Catholic saints

BY DIANE BISHOP and HARV BISHOP

Outside of pleading with Saint Anthony when shit gets misplaced (and that happens often in Diane and Harv’s world) we don’t make a habit of talking to saints.

One reason is Harv felt that asking for assistance was imposing on already overburdened saints. His need to find his keys wasn’t great enough to bother the saints. Diane believed that it was the intention to find a lost item, not the specific saint, that made the appeal work. That’s why you’ll hear her calling on Purple Monkey God when she’s looking for her phone. Purple Monkey God is a character of Diane’s imagination, but her ability to find lost items quickly is well above chance.

Plus the folk traditions for working with saints can seem manipulative and unspiritual. Want to sell a home? Bury a statue of Saint Joseph upside down in your yard to guarantee he will work hard for you to sell the home. The theory goes Saint Joseph will be so uncomfortable on his head he will work overtime to get the property sold so he can get back on his feet. It seemed like a technique better suited for  “The Sopranos” than spiritual seekers. When Harv was a reporter at a Catholic newspaper his editor said  when his aunt’s prayers to saints went unanswered she would turn the statues to face the wall in shame.

All that was before last summer. Lost car keys and mobile phones are one thing. Major life decisions are quite another.

This spring we decided to sell some property. But for two months showings were slow. We needed the sale to move forward.

Then Harv heard the always fascinating Gordon White podcast Rune Soup. White was interviewing Kaitlin Coppock, owner of Sphere + Sundry, an online store with talismanic offerings. Coppock was discussing the magical use of items such as incense, oils, candles, powders, and holy water for use in rituals to work with archetypal gods and saints.

Turns out there is a holy man venerated by the Catholic Church – Saint Expedite – who specializes in post-haste financial dealings, including real estate sales. The lore says that Expeditius (his Latin name) was a Roman centurion captured in Turkey and martyred when he converted to Christianity. The devil, disguised as a crow, tried to delay his conversion. Expeditius stomped on the crow shouting “Hodie,” Latin for “Today;” signaling he would convert immediately. You can see why he is considered the go-to saint for those in a hurry.

Harv was interested but hesitant because it was all so unfamiliar. Diane thought, “What do we have to lose?” We can’t say we believed, but we were willing to test it out for ourselves. In went our order for holy water specifically made to appeal to Saint Expedite. Here’s what Sphere + Sundry’s website says about it: “On the Wednesday before the election, poundcake, palm frond, and crow feather were distilled to create the base hydrosol for St. Expedite’s spray. This was ritually combined with colloidal gold and essential oils of cinnamon and citrus during the series election and prayed over for Expedite’s blessing. Holy Water from a Catholic Church, collected freshly after a Sunday mass, was a final addition just before bottling.” Which made this easily the most woo-woo thing we’ve ever done.

Once Diane stopped rolling her eyes, we were ready to begin. The first Wednesday (the best day for working with Saint Expedite) we set up an altar with red tissue paper (Expedite’s fav color), and our 21^st century altar trappings such as a picture of Saint Expedite’s holy card on the iPhone, and a battery-powered “candle” and we were good to go. Our offerings were pound cake (said to be his top food choice) and a gold-wrapped small chocolate. (He’s into gold and red we learned). We followed the prescribed prayers (found online at Sphere + Sundry) and then added our New Thought practice of spending five minutes with eyes closed concentrating on the feeling we would have when our property sold.

The next day we had our first offer.

It was lowball, but at least it was movement. We countered much higher figuring the ball was finally rolling. Within hours the folks who made the initial offer agreed to the full counter price and added another proposal that was beneficial to us.

A whipsaw turn around. We were speechless. But thrilled.

We have no explanation why holy water, pound cake, colors, and chocolates should make a difference. We could say it was our intention and need, but we had zero faith or belief because it was so new for us. We are more than open to the idea that talismanic objects can carry and transmit certain beneficial vibrations. But even so, the speed in which our fortunes reversed was stunning.

We continued working with Saint Expedite through the inspection and close, all of which went smoothly.

Miracle or coincidence? We still don’t know what we don’t know. Life offers WTF moments of high strangeness.

The last requirement when receiving a Saint Expedite miracle is publicly proclaiming the results in thanksgiving. So consider this our proclamation. It’s also our mea-culpa for previously judging those who work with the saints. And if you want to give Saint Expedite a try, know that he is most famed for delivering fast cash and other urgent needs.

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